Ever feel like you're putting all your feelings into something that's not worth it?  That you're putting a lot of energy into nothing?  Or even worse, something that will let you down in the end?


Every now and then I'll suddenly feel this way.  My heart will race and I'll get anxious.  But what it comes down to is that somewhere in all of this, it has to be worth it.  These feelings have to be going towards something. They have to.  I can't allow myself to regret everything that's built up inside of me over time, or I'll just shut down.  Everything will come together somehow to form some kind of conclusion.  It just has to. 

Current Mood: hopeful

I feel like I've put myself out on the line and taken more risks this week alone than I have in the past few months.  It reminds me why I don't do it often.  It's the weirdest feeling.  The moment I do it, I'm like .. "Ya know, this is good. I don't even care what happens because this is what I needed to do." But seriously, I do care what happens.  How can I not?  It's more than just a cathartic experience. What happens is I tell myself that no matter what, I won't regret this; that convinces me that I'm not being an idiot.  But of course, the next day I do. Or maybe it's not that quick.  Maybe I regret it a week later.  Despite the time it takes, I look back on some of the things I've done, and although I feel like I would've done it even having known what the results would be in advance, it still sucks to have that sinking feeling - that feeling that you just exposed something about you that you don't normally talk about or that you normally try to keep stashed away.  I've made a deal with myself, and that is to stop trying so hard. It's annoying. I bother myself sometimes by the way I try to make things happen that I know damn well won't. Or can't.  

It's time I quit having so much faith in people.  
It's time to lay low.  
It's time to talk to people who genuinely care about me. 
It's time to realize where I stand in certain relationships.

It's just time.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Kate Nash

Despite the massive amount of homework I've been doing every night, and will continue doing every night until Finals week, I am in a surprisingly good mood.  I think it's because I don't really expect things to be easy right now.  Whenever another project or paper is thrown at me, I just take it because first of all, what good does complaining do? And second of all, it's nice to be busy.  It takes my mind off of things.  I don't really have the time to let things irritate me.  The days where I've finished what I need to do and have a lot of spare time on my hands are probably the roughest.  

My problem is that I let too many things and people get to me.  I say it all the time, but I'm really tired of trying to stay mad at people.  I don't like being mad.  It stresses me out, and I can't focus on anything other than making things right.  More often than not, I let so many things slide that they build up to the point where I just can't handle it anymore.  That's my problem, but that's why I need a week to myself every now & then, where I can cool off and take some time for me.  I just want to get along with everyone, but I can't take a break from someone without them thinking I'm mad at them.  I need space, or else I know I'll say things I'll regret.  It's my way of dealing with things before they get too out of hand.  The problem is, after I've found peace with myself, I come back to find that things have changed, whether I wanted them to or not.  

I need to stop chasing people, hoping that they'll finally show me some attention.  I'm over that.  If they don't want to give me some of their time, there's no need for me to give them any of mine.   I need to be more like my mom - she speaks her mind, she's strong hearted, and she's way more self-confident than I think I could ever be.  She obviously cares a lot about her family and friends, but she doesn't let that affect her judgement.  She handles situations with such grace and strength.  I need to stand up for myself.  I need to grow up and handle things on my own more often.  I need to forget what people say about me, and do what's best for myself.  My sensitivity and sympathy were traits I liked, and still do to a certain extent, about myself; I've seen that although those are good characteristics to have, I can't always act on them solely.   

I need to start using my head more than my heart. 

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Jamie Lidell

It's official.


I'm a Psychology major with a minor in Communication Studies.
And I'm not gonna lie .. it feels damn good to finally feel like I'm doing something with my life.

Current Mood: accomplished

This is the time in the semester where everything starts hitting me at once, and I start freaking out about everything I have to do.

The next 2 weeks are going to SUCK.

Current Mood: rushed

Apparently I'm incapable of writing at a high school level, and I should seriously consider hiring a tutor. 

Disregard the fact that I tested out of the highest level of college English.
Disregard the fact that I've received perfect grades in all of my AP English classes.
Disregard the fact that the essay I submitted with my application was basically the main reason I was accepted at Chapman.



Fuck that class, and fuck him for insulting my intelligence.

Current Mood: annoyed

My car has evoked some of the coolest/strangest conversations with people I think I will ever experience.  

I decided I'd get some gas this morning since I've been running on empty for the last few days, and after I had filled up, I turned to walk over to the driver's side and get in, and one of the workers kinda smiled at me.  I smiled back, and he asked, "What year is that? A '75?" So I said "No, it's a 69", he smiled, said "cool" or something, I smiled, and got in my car.  As I started to pull away, he nods his head, smiles at me, and then winks.  I haven't been winked at since my days with Mr. Morton, and it was probably the most adorable thing that's happened to me in a long time.  More people should wink because it brought pure delight to my morning, and I truly enjoyed the rest of my day because of that sweet man.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Jason Mraz

Whoever told you boys that wearing pajama pants and sandals in public looked good, they were LYING.


Put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.  It's not that hard.

I'm the type of person who is easily taken for granted.  The thing that bums me out is I'm not really sure how or what to change about myself and my personality in order to not fade away and be forgotten.  I really don't like playing games, but it seems that once people get to know me, they quickly realize that I'm a pretty loyal person.  Once they figure that out, they walk all over me.  It takes a lot to get me mad, and it takes a whole lot more to make me completely cut you out of my life.  It's almost like I have to intentionally be a bitch sometimes in order to get through to people.  I should just go back to how I was freshman year of high school - where I only thought about myself and didn't care about anyone else.  I mean, it seemed to work.

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Plants & Animals

I have ben having nightmares almost every night this past week.  It's awful.  I woke up crying the other night, and it was probably one of the worst feelings I've ever had.  My mom thinks it's because I'm stressing out over STUPID EFFING CALCULUS, which is probably true.  I'm prepared for the worst - I think I might actually fail that class.  My perfect record might be in jeopardy. Oh dear!  I hate that I woke up super early this morning to make it to her office hours, I got zero help, and I was in there for basically 4 minutes after waiting half an hour for her to show up.  If I am told one more time that I'll have to "figure it out on my own", my fists of steel will work their magic.  What kind of logic is that?  If I'm incorrectly solving the same problem over and over, obviously I'm not going to miraculously figure out what I'm doing wrong.  I need HELP.  Why did I sign up for calculus in the first place?  I should've taken Stats or something.  Why are we required to complete such a high level of math anyway?  I do not need this type of problem solving in my every day life or my potential major.  This is absolutely pointless and incredibly frustrating.  

I have never felt so dumb in my life.

Current Mood: grumpy
Current Music: Juno Soundtrack